Author’s practical guidance
Being glad about somebody else's win
Another child gets the bigger piece, wins the race, is picked first.
Say this now
“You wanted to win. And she won.”
Both facts, in that order. The disappointment has to be allowed first.
“Look at her face. She's really pleased.”
Point at the other person's feeling rather than prescribing your child's.
Do this
- Let the disappointment happen before asking for anything else.
- Point out the other child's feeling without demanding a response to it.
- Model it yourself out loud when somebody in the family wins something.
- Do not equalize. A compensating prize teaches that losing needs fixing.
- Notice genuine gladness when it appears and say what you saw.
Avoid this
- "Say congratulations." — produces the word and none of the feeling.
- "You should be happy for her!" — adds guilt to disappointment.
- Rushing to compensate them with something of their own.
If it repeats
Expect nothing at three. At four, most children can be pleased for somebody they like when nothing was at stake for them. Genuine gladness after losing is a six-or-seven skill, and it is uneven in adults too.
Why the book suggests this
Another child gets the bigger piece, wins the race, is picked first. Your child's face goes flat, or they announce that the race was unfair. Being pleased for somebody else is a late skill and it does not arrive on its own.
It is late because it requires two things at once: knowing what the other person feels, and tolerating your own disappointment at the same time. Either alone is hard at four. Both together is the work of years.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Big Skills
45 prepared situations in this family area.