Author’s practical guidance
Noticing that somebody else is sad
Very young children help.
Say this now
“Look at his face. What do you think he feels?”
Points, then asks. Accept whatever answer comes.
“What could we bring him?”
Moves straight from noticing to doing, which is where children are strongest.
Do this
- Point at faces in books, in the park, in photographs.
- Ask what they think, and accept a wrong answer. The looking is the skill.
- Give a concrete job: a tissue, a cup of water, the toy back.
- Name feelings in the room out loud, including your own.
- Never require the apology before the noticing.
Avoid this
- "Look what you did, he's crying!" — produces shame, which closes attention rather than opening it.
- "Say sorry." — a word, not a noticing.
- Explaining how the other child feels at length, while your child looks away.
If it repeats
Helping appears before two. Noticing without a prompt appears around four. Comfort that fits what the other person actually needs — rather than what would comfort them — is a five-or-six skill.
Why the book suggests this
Very young children help. Studies of toddlers find them handing over a dropped object or opening a door for a struggling adult before the second birthday, unprompted. The impulse is there long before the vocabulary is.
What is missing is not kindness but attention. A three-year-old absorbed in their own game does not scan faces, and the whole skill consists of learning to look — which is why pointing works better than explaining.
From this collection
Same Words: Big Skills
45 prepared situations in this family area.