Author’s practical guidance
Being watched: showing and performing
Source named in the book: temperament and goodness of fit (Thomas & Chess) · RIE (Gerber)
They sang it perfectly for a week and go silent in front of Grandma.
Say this now
“You can show her later, or not at all.”
Hands the decision back. Most children perform once the requirement is gone.
“I saw you do it. That counts.”
Separates the skill from the audience, which is the actual worry.
Do this
- Never request a performance in front of somebody who has just arrived.
- Let them warm up unobserved in the same room first.
- Tell the visiting adult in advance not to ask.
- Praise afterwards and privately rather than during, in front of everyone.
- Treat the table-climbing the same way: less audience, not more instruction.
Avoid this
- "Show Grandma what you can do!" — turns a skill into a test with spectators.
- "Don't be silly, you did it yesterday." — the comparison is with a version of them who was alone.
- Explaining to the room why they are not performing. They are listening to every word.
If it repeats
Self-consciousness appears around three and a half and is at its most disruptive between four and five, when children first compare their performance with somebody else's. It settles as skills become reliable enough to survive being watched.
Why the book suggests this
They sang it perfectly for a week and go silent in front of Grandma. Or the opposite: the quiet one climbs the table the moment there is an audience. Both are the same thing — a child discovering that being looked at changes the task.
Around three and a half children start to notice themselves being seen, and skills that were solid become unreliable for a while. This is not shyness in one child and showing off in another. It is the same new awareness pointing in two directions.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Big Skills
45 prepared situations in this family area.