Author’s practical guidance
Family rules and visual charts
Source named in the book: Positive Discipline (Nelsen) · self-determination theory (Deci & Ryan)
A rule that lives only in an adult's head has to be enforced by that adult, every time, in the moment, usually while tired.
Say this now
“What are the rules in our house? Let's draw them.”
Asking rather than announcing. The drawing is what makes it theirs.
“Let's check the picture.”
Points away from you and at the agreement. The disagreement stops being with a person.
Do this
- Keep it to three or four rules, chosen with them.
- Phrase each one as what to do: "feet on the floor," "gentle hands."
- Draw them, do not write them. They cannot read, and the drawing is the memory.
- Put them at their height in the room where they apply.
- Change them out loud when they stop fitting, rather than letting them quietly expire.
Avoid this
- Writing a list of ten rules and putting it up without them.
- Rules phrased as prohibitions only. "No" gives them nothing to do instead.
- Leaving a chart up for months after everybody stopped looking at it.
If it repeats
Two-year-olds follow a pictured rule only with an adult beside them. By four many children will point at the chart and remind somebody else — usually a sibling, usually smugly. Following it unsupervised is later than most charts promise.
Why the book suggests this
A rule that lives only in an adult's head has to be enforced by that adult, every time, in the moment, usually while tired. A rule on the wall is enforced by the wall — and arguing with a picture is much less satisfying than arguing with you.
There is a second reason to put them up, and it matters more. Rules the child helped decide are followed more willingly than rules handed down, at any age. Three rules they chose beat ten they were given.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Big Skills
45 prepared situations in this family area.