Author’s practical guidance
It smells wrong in here
Source named in the book: reactivity and recovery time (Rothbart)
Smell is the input adults notice least and children this age report most bluntly.
Say this now
“You're smelling something I'm not. Let's stand by the door.”
Believes the report and gives an immediate, small move. The door is usually enough.
“You can tell me quietly. You don't have to tell the whole room.”
Keeps the information coming to you while teaching the part about other people's feelings.
Do this
- Move them to the doorway or the window before anything else.
- Keep one familiar smell handy — a sleeve, a cloth from home.
- Warn them before rooms you know are strong: the fish counter, the pool, the elevator.
- Give them the quiet-word rule for other people's houses, and practice it before you go.
- Take the report seriously the first time, so they do not have to escalate.
Avoid this
- "I can't smell anything." — your nose is not the measuring instrument here.
- "Don't say that, it's rude!" — teaches them to hide it, not to manage it.
- Making them finish the visit in the room — the smell does not fade for them the way it does for you.
If it repeats
If one place is always the problem, name it and plan around it rather than treating each visit as new. A known difficulty is far easier than a surprise, even the same one every week.
Why the book suggests this
Smell is the input adults notice least and children this age report most bluntly. A reactive child registers it at a lower concentration and, in Rothbart's terms, responds at full strength — there is no middle setting between not noticing and refusing to walk in.
It also fades slowest for them. Adults stop smelling a room within minutes; a child still smelling it after twenty is not being stubborn. They are having a different experience of the room than everyone else in it.
From this collection
Same Words: Deep Feelings
45 prepared situations in this family area.