Author’s practical guidance
Still sorry an hour later
Source named in the book: guilt, repair and early conscience (Kochanska)
The other half of Kochanska's work is the part that is going right.
Say this now
“You fixed it. It's finished now.”
Names the repair and closes the file. The closing is the part they cannot do themselves.
“I'm not upset anymore. Look at my face.”
Gives them evidence they can check, which is what the repeated asking is looking for.
Do this
- Give a clear end to it — a sentence, a hug, then the next activity.
- Let the repair be concrete: rebuild it, fetch the ice, hand over the toy.
- Answer the third asking the same way as the first, without impatience in your voice.
- Do not retell the incident to other adults in front of them.
- Say what they did well in the repairing.
Avoid this
- "You already said sorry." — true, and it does not tell them it is over.
- "Stop going on about it." — the persistence is anxiety, not drama.
- Requiring a bigger apology — raises the bar they are already failing to reach.
If it repeats
If a child checks repeatedly that you are not angry, they are asking about the relationship rather than the incident. Answer that question directly and the checking usually stops within a few days.
Why the book suggests this
The other half of Kochanska's work is the part that is going right. A child who feels bad about the act itself is showing the beginning of conscience, and the urge that comes with it is to repair. That impulse is worth protecting.
What goes wrong is the ending. A young child cannot tell when enough has been done, so the apologies keep coming and the question keeps being asked. They are not still guilty. They are waiting for a signal that the thing is closed, and nobody has given them one.
From this collection
Same Words: Deep Feelings
45 prepared situations in this family area.