Author’s practical guidance
Tearing up the drawing
Source named in the book: the effects of person praise versus process praise (Henderlong & Lepper)
Henderlong and Lepper reviewed what different kinds of praise do over time.
Say this now
“You worked on that for a long time.”
Names the part that is true regardless of how it turned out and is repeatable next time.
“What did you want it to look like?”
Treats them as someone with an intention rather than someone who needs consoling.
Do this
- Comment on choices and effort: the colors, the trying, the staying with it.
- Ask about the picture instead of rating it.
- Let them throw it away without a rescue mission.
- Keep your own attempts visible — draw badly next to them sometimes.
- Drop the word "perfect" from what you say about their work.
Avoid this
- "But it's beautiful!" — argues with their judgment and reinforces that the verdict matters.
- "You're such a good artist." — the compliment they will be measured against tomorrow.
- Rescuing the paper from the bin — it makes the failure a bigger event, not a smaller one.
If it repeats
If tearing things up is the pattern, put out materials that cannot be ruined — chalk, water on the step, sand. Work that disappears on its own gives a perfectionist somewhere to practice where the stakes are zero.
Why the book suggests this
Henderlong and Lepper reviewed what different kinds of praise do over time. Praise aimed at the child — clever, talented, a real artist — ties their standing to the result. When the next result falls short, so does the child.
That is why the drawing gets torn up. It is not a picture that failed. It is the evidence being destroyed. Praise aimed at what they did — the choosing, the trying, the staying with it — leaves them something that survives a bad drawing.
From this collection
Same Words: Deep Feelings
45 prepared situations in this family area.