Author’s practical guidance
The friend who is not there
Source named in the book: play and transitional space (Winnicott)
Winnicott treated play as serious work rather than as time off.
Say this now
“Tell me about him.”
Interested and not intrusive. You find out much more from this than from any question about whether he exists.
“Does he need a place at the table?”
Joins the frame without taking it over. Follow their rules about how much you are allowed in.
Do this
- Follow their lead on how much you join, and stop when they stop.
- Let the story stay theirs — do not improve it.
- Set a place if asked, and let it go when the game moves on.
- Keep the ordinary rules ordinary: the friend does not get to break them.
- Do not report it to visitors in front of them.
Avoid this
- "You know that isn't real." — true, unnecessary and slightly insulting to the work being done.
- Interrogating the details — adult curiosity turns their space into a subject of study.
- Using the friend as a tool — "Would he eat his dinner?" borrows their world to run yours.
If it repeats
Invented friends are common in these years and usually go on their own. Mention it to the pediatrician only if the child seems frightened of the figure rather than in charge of it — that is a different situation, and it is rare.
Why the book suggests this
Winnicott treated play as serious work rather than as time off. In his account children use an in-between space — not quite real, not quite made up — to try out things that are too big to meet directly, and the invented friend or country lives exactly there.
Which is why a child can be completely committed to it and know it is not true at the same time. The two are not in conflict for them. Asked straight out whether it is real, most children give an answer that disappoints an adult looking for a clean line.
From this collection
Same Words: Deep Feelings
45 prepared situations in this family area.