Author’s practical guidance
Falling asleep only if you are in the room
Source named in the book: trials comparing bedtime approaches (Gradisar)
Whatever is there when sleep arrives becomes part of how sleep arrives.
Say this now
“I'm staying until the song ends. Then I'll be in the kitchen.”
Ties your leaving to something they can hear, not to their eyes closing.
“I'm sitting by the door tonight, not on the bed.”
Announces the move before it happens, so it is a plan, not an abandonment.
Do this
- Move bedtime to when they really fall asleep, then walk it earlier once they drop off quickly.
- Withdraw by position, not by absence — bed, chair, doorway, hall.
- Hold each position for three nights before moving to the next.
- Stop the talking first, then the touching, then the sitting.
- Keep the leaving sentence identical wherever you are in the room.
Avoid this
- Leaving suddenly after a year of staying — the condition does not disappear, it gets fought over.
- "You're too big for me to sit here." — shame does not shorten the sitting.
- Waiting until they are asleep to slip out — they wake, find it gone and call for it.
If it repeats
If four weeks of moving the chair changes nothing, check the front end. Lights out too early or a late nap keeps a child awake and needing company, and gradual withdrawal cannot fix a night that started too soon.
Why the book suggests this
Whatever is there when sleep arrives becomes part of how sleep arrives. If that is you — sitting on the edge, hand on their back — your presence is not a comfort added to falling asleep. It is a condition of it, and it has to be met again at every waking.
Gradisar's trial tested moving lights out to when the child actually falls asleep, and it worked as well as timed checks. A child put down before their body is ready will need you there — there is nothing else to do with that time.
From this collection
Same Words: Every Night
45 prepared situations in this family area.