Author’s practical guidance
Copies a sibling's refusal to try something new
Source named in the book: temperament and social referencing (Rothbart)
A cautious child watching a sibling refuse something gets a piece of social information that outweighs anything an adult says: someone they trust, with more experience at this table, has just voted no.
Say this now
“You can decide for yourself, even if your sister said no.”
Names the option without demanding it be taken.
“It's okay to just watch for now.”
Lowers the bar to something achievable regardless of the reaction.
Do this
- Offer the new food to each child individually sometimes, not always together.
- Let a "no" from one child pass without much comment.
- Notice quietly if the cautious child does try something.
- Keep offering the food to both children over time regardless of the pattern.
- Avoid labeling one sibling as the "good eater" around the table.
Avoid this
- "Don't copy your sister, make up your own mind." — asks a young child to override a natural social instinct on command.
- Separating siblings at mealtimes to prevent the influence — removes a lot of the table's warmth to solve a small problem.
- Pressuring the more adventurous sibling to eat it first "to set an example" — turns a normal eater into a tool for managing the other.
If it repeats
If one child consistently defers to a sibling's reaction across many areas, not just food, that is simply this child's cautious temperament — worth working with gently, not broken at the table.
Why the book suggests this
A cautious child watching a sibling refuse something gets a piece of social information that outweighs anything an adult says: someone they trust, with more experience at this table, has just voted no. Rothbart's research found more reactive children are especially likely to take cues from peers and siblings when deciding how to respond to something new.
This is not the child being stubborn or ganging up with a sibling. It is caution doing what it is built to do — gathering information from the people nearby before deciding what's safe.
From this collection
Same Words: At the Table
45 prepared situations in this family area.