Author’s practical guidance
A relative comments on how much — or little — the child eats, in front of them
Source named in the book: family communication and children's emotional climate (Gottman)
A comment about a child's eating, even a well-meaning one, lands differently when the child hears themselves discussed like a topic rather than a person.
Say this now
“We don't really talk about that at the table — let's talk about your day instead.”
Redirects warmly but clearly.
“You get to decide how much you eat. That's true here too.”
Restores the child's own authority over the moment.
Do this
- Redirect the conversation calmly in the moment, every time.
- Have a private word with the relative afterward if it keeps happening.
- Reassure the child afterward if the comment seemed to land hard.
- Keep your own comments about the child's eating out of earshot too.
- Choose your moments — not every comment needs a full response in public.
Avoid this
- Agreeing with or elaborating on the comment — reinforces that the child's eating is public conversation.
- Scolding the relative sharply in front of everyone — adds a second uncomfortable moment on top of the first.
- Letting it go every time to avoid awkwardness — the pattern usually repeats and the child absorbs it regardless.
If it repeats
If comments about the child's eating become a fixture of every gathering, that's worth a direct conversation with the relative outside of mealtime, framed around what helps rather than what feels natural to say.
Why the book suggests this
A comment about a child's eating, even a well-meaning one, lands differently when the child hears themselves discussed like a topic rather than a person. Gottman's research on family communication found comments made about a child in their presence, rather than to them, carry more weight and more potential for shame than the same words spoken directly.
The relative usually means concern or pride, not harm — but a child hearing themselves discussed at the table learns to watch their own eating through someone else's eyes instead of their own.
From this collection
Same Words: At the Table
45 prepared situations in this family area.