Author’s practical guidance
Secrets and surprises are not the same thing
Source named in the book: Finkelhor
Children love secrets, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Say this now
“A surprise is something we tell later. We do surprises, not secrets.”
Two sentences, same wording. The contrast works.
“If a grown-up asks you to keep a secret from me, tell me.”
The whole rule, aimed at the request, not the person.
Do this
- Practice it on birthdays. "That's a surprise, not a secret" — said out loud, on happy things.
- Say it covers everyone, including family, including you.
- Never test them with a fake secret.
- Repeat it two or three times a year, briefly, not as a talk.
- Tell the other adults the wording so nobody teaches a different version.
Avoid this
- "We don't keep secrets in this family." Untrue by December, and they will notice.
- Playing at secrets with them — "don't tell Daddy" as a joke blurs the only line that matters.
- Explaining it once and assuming it stuck.
If it repeats
When they bring you a secret somebody asked them to keep, thank them before you react. What you do in that first ten seconds decides whether the next one arrives, and it may matter more.
Why the book suggests this
Children love secrets, and there is nothing wrong with that. Families keep them constantly — presents, parties, what is in the closet. A blanket ban on secrets fails within a week, and a rule the child has watched collapse is worse than no rule.
Prevention research points at a sharper line that survives real life. A surprise gets told in the end and makes somebody happy. A secret is supposed to stay hidden forever. Children can hold that distinction from about four, and it gives them something to notice.
From this collection
Same Words: Their Own Body
45 prepared situations in this family area.