Author’s practical guidance
"Don't tell your mom" — said by someone they like
Source named in the book: Finkelhor
The warning most of us were raised on points outward, at strangers and vans.
Say this now
“Anyone who says 'don't tell your mom' — tell me that.”
The sentence is the trigger. Keep the words fixed.
“You will never be in trouble for telling me. Not ever.”
Say it now, so it is already true when needed.
Do this
- Aim the rule at the request, never at a person.
- Include people you love out loud: "Even Uncle Sam. Even me."
- Keep your face still if they ever report one. Shock reads as trouble.
- Thank them for every report, including the dozen that turn out to be nothing.
- Do not act against the person in front of the child. Handle that elsewhere.
Avoid this
- "Only bad people say that." The person is usually not visibly bad, so the rule will not fire.
- Listing safe and unsafe relatives by name. Such lists go out of date.
- Making every adult sound dangerous — a frightened child tells you less, not more.
If it repeats
If a report worries you, write down their words the same day, do not question them repeatedly, and call your pediatrician. Where a child is in immediate danger, emergency services instead, and at once.
Why the book suggests this
The warning most of us were raised on points outward, at strangers and vans. The research points somewhere less comfortable: harm to young children comes overwhelmingly from people they know and like. A rule built on strangers misses the common case.
So the rule cannot be about who. It has to be about a sentence. Asking a child to keep something from their parents is the one signal that is worth teaching, and it works regardless of who says it or how much the child loves them.
From this collection
Same Words: Their Own Body
45 prepared situations in this family area.