Author’s practical guidance
Who they can tell, named out loud
Source named in the book: Finkelhor
"Tell a grown-up you trust" is an instruction for somebody who can already sort adults into categories.
Say this now
“Your telling people are me, Grandma Ann, Auntie Jo and Miss Lopez.”
Real names, in order. Four is plenty, two is not.
“If the first one isn't there, you go to the next one.”
The fallback is what beats naming one person.
Do this
- Say the names as a list a few times a year.
- Put one person outside the house on it — a teacher, a grandparent, a family friend.
- Tell those adults they are on it. Most are glad, and it changes how they listen.
- Update it when life changes: new daycare, new town, somebody moves away.
- Ask it as a question sometimes: "Who are your telling people?" Let them answer.
Avoid this
- "You can always tell a trusted adult." Too abstract to use at four.
- One name only. If that person is unavailable, the list is empty.
- Making it a solemn ceremony the child will remember as frightening.
If it repeats
If they name somebody you would not have chosen, ask why and add rather than subtract. Keep the list short enough to recite: a list of eight is a list of none under pressure.
Why the book suggests this
"Tell a grown-up you trust" is an instruction for somebody who can already sort adults into categories. A four-year-old under pressure cannot. What they can hold is a short list of names, in order, the way they hold the words of a song.
The list needs at least one person outside your household, because the household is not always the place where telling is easy or even possible. That is not a comfortable sentence to write, and it is the reason the list has more than one name on it.
From this collection
Same Words: Their Own Body
45 prepared situations in this family area.