Author’s practical guidance
They tell you something three days after it happened
Source named in the book: Finkelhor
Late and partial is the normal shape of a child telling you something difficult.
Say this now
“I'm glad you told me. You can tell me things late — that's fine.”
Removes the penalty on delay before you ask at all.
“What happened next?”
Open and empty. Never supply a detail yourself.
Do this
- Thank first, ask second, every time, whatever it turns out to be.
- Use open questions only. Do not suggest names, places or actions.
- Write down their exact words the same day, without tidying them.
- Do not have them repeat it to a line of relatives.
- Come back to it gently a day or two later, once, in a calm moment.
Avoid this
- "Why didn't you tell me straight away?" Punishes the telling, which is the behavior you need.
- A rapid string of questions. Pressure produces answers that match your questions.
- A large visible reaction — they will manage your feelings instead of continuing.
If it repeats
If what they describe worries you, stop asking and call your pediatrician with your notes. Repeated questioning by a parent makes everything afterwards harder, including for the child.
Why the book suggests this
Late and partial is the normal shape of a child telling you something difficult. They do not open with the whole thing. They put out a fragment, watch what your face does, and decide from there whether the rest is safe to hand over.
Which means your reaction to the fragment matters more than any question you could ask. The delay is not evidence that it was nothing, and it is not a failure of your relationship — it is how this works at this age, for almost every child.
From this collection
Same Words: Their Own Body
45 prepared situations in this family area.