Author’s practical guidance
Grabs another child by the hair or the face
Source named in the book: prosocial behavior and perspective-taking (Eisenberg)
Between two and three, hands go to whatever is closest and most interesting, and another child's face is both.
Say this now
“Hair is part of her. Hands off people, hands on toys.”
A rule they can apply, short enough to survive.
“Look at her face. What is it telling you?”
The looking is the skill. Ask every time.
Do this
- Open the hand first, talk second, in that order.
- Turn them toward the other child's face and wait a beat.
- Give the hands a job: a toy to hold, your hand, a pocket.
- Shadow closely at playdates for a couple of weeks and intercept before contact.
- Say the same sentence at home when they grab at you, so it is not only a visitors rule.
Avoid this
- "Gentle hands!" Names nothing they can actually do differently.
- Prying the fingers open in silence and moving on.
- "Say sorry" as the whole intervention.
If it repeats
Grabbing past three usually has one predictable setting — crowded, tired, a toy in dispute. Change the setting rather than the child. If force makes the other child's distress irrelevant, raise it.
Why the book suggests this
Between two and three, hands go to whatever is closest and most interesting, and another child's face is both. It is often affectionate rather than aggressive — which is precisely why the other child's reaction comes as a surprise to them.
What has not arrived yet is the link between an action and a face changing two feet away. That link has to be pointed at out loud, over and over, before a child of this age starts making it on their own.
From this collection
Same Words: Their Own Body
45 prepared situations in this family area.