Author’s practical guidance
Reaches for a wheelchair, a hearing aid, a service dog
Source named in the book: prosocial behavior and perspective-taking (Eisenberg)
A child who has just learned that hands go on toys and not on people meets a third category nobody warned them about: equipment that is attached to a person.
Say this now
“The chair is part of him. We ask before we touch.”
One rule, no lecture on disability. Keep it short.
“That's his working dog — he's doing a job right now.”
A fact, cheerfully. Facts settle it, hushing does not.
Do this
- Take the hand back and give the same sentence you use for people.
- Let them ask their question out loud rather than shushing it.
- Let the adult answer if they want to. Many would rather be asked than avoided.
- Answer plainly at home afterwards, in one or two sentences.
- Keep your own face ordinary. They copy it exactly.
Avoid this
- Pulling them away and whispering. The whisper says something is wrong with the person.
- "Don't look!" Teaches that a person is unmentionable, which is worse than staring.
- Answering for the person who is standing right there and can speak.
If it repeats
Repeated reaching is curiosity that has not been answered, so answer it properly once. Expect to repeat the rule anyway: understanding it and remembering it in the moment are different things.
Why the book suggests this
A child who has just learned that hands go on toys and not on people meets a third category nobody warned them about: equipment that is attached to a person. A wheelchair looks like a machine, and the hand goes out before anybody has said otherwise.
The useful rule is short and it is not about disability. Whatever is touching somebody counts as them — the chair, the aid, the dog at work. Sympathy at this age is built by pointing at things, and this is a thing that can be pointed at.
From this collection
Same Words: Their Own Body
45 prepared situations in this family area.