Author’s practical guidance
Kisses the other children on the mouth
Source named in the book: peer relationships in early childhood (Rubin)
Around three and four, kissing arrives as a way of saying you like somebody, copied straight from home where it is welcome and uncomplicated.
Say this now
“Mouths are for family. Friends get a hug or a high-five.”
A line a four-year-old can hold, with alternatives.
“Ask first — some kids don't like kisses at all.”
Puts the other child's rule in the room without making yours wrong.
Do this
- Give the replacement gesture in the same breath.
- Keep your voice mild. A big reaction makes it a thing worth repeating.
- Say it before playdates, not in the middle of one.
- Back the other child if they duck away, out loud and at once.
- Tell daycare your wording so the same sentence is used in both places.
Avoid this
- "That's disgusting." Attaches shame to affection, which is a poor trade.
- Laughing and calling it a romance. Adults do this constantly, and it teaches performance.
- Banning it with no replacement — the impulse stays and has nowhere to go.
If it repeats
This usually fades once a substitute gesture is reliably available. If your child keeps going after another has pulled away, work on that instead — accepting a refusal is the skill underneath.
Why the book suggests this
Around three and four, kissing arrives as a way of saying you like somebody, copied straight from home where it is welcome and uncomplicated. The child is not importing anything else into it. They have one gesture for affection and they are using it.
The difficulty is that the receiving child often has a different rule at home, and neither of them can negotiate that. Early peer play is where it gets sorted out, and it needs an adult close enough to supply the words the first several times.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Their Own Body
45 prepared situations in this family area.