Author’s practical guidance
Suddenly frightened of one particular person or place
Source named in the book: behavioral inhibition as a stable trait (Kagan)
Plenty of children are wary of unfamiliar adults, and some are wary of nearly all of them.
Say this now
“You don't have to. Stay with me.”
Immediate, no negotiation, no explanation owed.
“You can tell me anything, and nothing bad happens.”
Said calmly and more than once, over days.
Do this
- Honor it at once, and sort out the adults elsewhere.
- Do not leave them alone with that person while you work out what is going on.
- Ask open questions once — "What happens at Ray's house?" — and let silence sit.
- Write down the date it started, and what else changed.
- Ask other adults whether they have noticed a change, without saying why.
Avoid this
- "Don't be silly, you love Uncle Ray." Overrules the one signal you were given.
- Making them go and say hello to settle everyone else's feelings.
- Pressing them to explain why until they produce an answer.
TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR IF
- The fear is of one person or place, not of new people.
- It began suddenly in a child who was fine before.
- It comes with changes in sleep, toileting or mood.
- They resist being left there, and nowhere else.
- They become distressed when asked about it at all.
Why the book suggests this
Plenty of children are wary of unfamiliar adults, and some are wary of nearly all of them. Work on behavioral inhibition describes this as a stable trait rather than a signal — it shows up early, applies broadly, and looks much the same from one year to the next.
What does not fit that picture is a sudden, specific fear of one person or one room in a child who was fine there last month. Breadth and timing are what separate temperament from something that happened.
From this collection
Same Words: Their Own Body
45 prepared situations in this family area.