Author’s practical guidance
The sentence you say first, and who says it
Source named in the book: research on how children are told about separation (Emery)
Most children are never actually told.
Say this now
“Daddy is going to live in a different house. You will live in both.”
Two facts, no reason. That is the whole message.
“You will see him on Saturday. Then every week.”
Names the next time. Vagueness is what frightens.
Do this
- Say it together if you can — same room, same words, neither of you adding.
- Pick a slow morning, not a bedtime and not a Sunday evening.
- Say it in under a minute, then stop and let it land.
- Repeat the same sentence for a week without improving it. The wording is the anchor.
- Tell them what stays: the daycare, the bed, the cat, you.
Avoid this
- "Daddy and I need some space." Abstract at three. They will fill the gap with something worse.
- Telling them alone when both of you could be there. One voice makes it one parent's doing.
- "Nothing is going to change." It is the first promise you will break, and they will notice.
If it repeats
If they ask nothing at all, the conversation still worked. Small children file it and come back days later, usually in the car. Answer then in the same words, and do not add anything new because you finally have their attention.
Why the book suggests this
Most children are never actually told. The arrangement changes around them, they work it out from suitcases and a quiet kitchen, and the adults believe a conversation happened because one was intended. Research on separated families keeps finding the same gap between what parents remember saying and what children remember hearing.
At three, the question is not why. It is where I sleep, who comes in the morning and whether the answer stays the same tomorrow. A child this age can hold two facts and a next time they can count toward. That is the whole capacity you have, and it is enough.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Homes
45 prepared situations in this family area.