Author’s practical guidance
They ask why, and the true answer is not for them
Source named in the book: trials of programs for separated parents (Wolchik & Sandler)
There is a true answer, and it belongs to adults.
Say this now
“Grown-ups sometimes stop living together. Kids never cause that.”
The rule first, then the part about them.
“That's for grown-ups to sort out. I'll tell you what happens next.”
Declines without shutting them down.
Do this
- Use the same two sentences every time it is asked, for months.
- Answer the length asked. Not the whole history.
- Follow it with a fact about tomorrow, so the answer lands on something solid.
- Agree the wording with their other parent if you can manage one conversation, make it this one.
- Keep your version stable as they get older. Add, do not replace.
Avoid this
- "Ask your father." Hands them an errand into the middle of the conflict.
- "Because he did something." True or not, it makes them pick, and they will pick badly.
- "You're too little to understand." They will stop asking you and start asking elsewhere.
If it repeats
Asked repeatedly, the question is usually about safety rather than cause. Answer it, then say what is happening this week. If they have built a version where somebody is at fault, that is covered later in this book.
Why the book suggests this
There is a true answer, and it belongs to adults. Trials of programs for separated parents found that what protects young children is not honesty about the reasons but the absence of a story in which one parent is the problem. Children who are handed the reasons do not become better informed. They become auditors.
A short answer is not a lie. It is the age-appropriate version of something real, in the same way that the answer about where babies come from is true at three and incomplete at thirteen.
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