Author’s practical guidance
"Is it because I was bad?"
Source named in the book: emotional security and parental conflict (Cummings & Davies)
A four-year-old explains events by looking for what someone did, and the person whose behavior they know best is themselves.
Say this now
“No. Kids never cause this. Not ever.”
Absolute, and it needs to be. No hedging.
“It was a grown-up decision. You had nothing to do with it.”
Puts it where it belongs, out loud.
Do this
- Say it flatly and completely, with no softening word anywhere in the sentence.
- Repeat it unprompted every few weeks for the first year.
- Watch for the quiet version: sudden helpfulness, or trying very hard to be good.
- Your own answer is enough even if the other house never says it.
- Do not link it to behavior ever, in any argument.
Avoid this
- "Of course not, silly." Dismisses a conclusion they have been carrying for weeks.
- "Why would you think that?" Asks a four-year-old to defend their reasoning.
- Answering once and moving on. They will need this said many times.
If it repeats
If the question keeps returning, answer it the same way rather than expanding. Children need this repeated far past the point where adults find it obvious. Persistent self-blame that is not shifting is covered in the last block of this book.
Why the book suggests this
A four-year-old explains events by looking for what someone did, and the person whose behavior they know best is themselves. Research on how children read conflict between their parents finds self-blame arriving early and staying quiet, often for months before anybody hears the sentence out loud.
By the time they ask, they have usually already decided. The question is not an inquiry. It is a confession they are hoping you will contradict.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Homes
45 prepared situations in this family area.