Author’s practical guidance
The doorway: two adults, one child, ninety seconds
Source named in the book: research on conflict between separated parents (Emery)
The doorway is the only place the two of you are reliably in the same room, and it is where a child watches how the adults handle each other.
Say this now
“Dad's here. Shoes on.”
Ordinary logistics. The tone is the message.
“Have a good time. I'll see you Sunday.”
Ends it, and names the return in the same breath.
Do this
- Keep it under two minutes, start to car door, every single time.
- Hand over the bag first, then the child. It gives your hands a job.
- Say the return day out loud so they hear it from you, not only from him.
- Move anything that needs discussing to a message sent later that day.
- Keep the same order of steps weekly.
Avoid this
- Discussing money or dates in the doorway. The one place it must never happen.
- "Are you sure you want to go?" Turns a routine into a decision they have to make.
- A long goodbye at the car. Length is what tells them something is wrong.
If it repeats
If the doorway keeps turning into a conversation, move it. A handover at daycare, where a third party sets the pace and neither of you is a host, removes the problem rather than managing it.
Why the book suggests this
The doorway is the only place the two of you are reliably in the same room, and it is where a child watches how the adults handle each other. Research on separated families points at these short, repeated moments rather than at the separation itself as the thing that does the damage.
It is also the most fixable minute of the week, because it is short and it is predictable. You know when it happens, you know who is there and you can decide in advance what it contains.
Related prepared situations
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From this collection
Same Words: Two Homes
45 prepared situations in this family area.