Author’s practical guidance
They cry when they come back to you
Source named in the book: research on overnight care in early childhood (McIntosh)
This one is easier to misread, because it happens in your house and it looks like evidence.
Say this now
“You're home. Nothing has to happen for a bit.”
Lowers the demand instead of raising the comfort.
“Coming back is tiring. It's tiring for me too.”
Puts it in a category that is not about him.
Do this
- Plan the return hour to be empty — no visitors, no bath, no questions.
- Feed them early. A large share of this is hunger.
- Let them follow you around without needing to talk.
- Ask nothing for the first hour, then ask about one small thing, not the weekend.
- Keep the same return routine weekly.
Avoid this
- "What happened over there?" Asked while they are crying, it writes the story for them.
- "You're safe now." Implies they were not, which they had not thought until now.
- Making the first hour special to compete with the other house.
If it repeats
Expect the return to be harder than the departure for the first few months, and expect it to shorten. If the unraveling is getting longer rather than shorter as the months pass, the last block of this book covers that.
Why the book suggests this
This one is easier to misread, because it happens in your house and it looks like evidence. Research on overnight care in early childhood describes the return as its own transition rather than as a report on the days away. The child is not telling you something went wrong. They are landing.
A small child holds themselves together in the place they are less at home, and lets go in the place they are most at home. Being the one they fall apart in front of is a position of trust, however little it feels like one at six in the evening.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Homes
45 prepared situations in this family area.