Author’s practical guidance
"I don't want to go" — said at the door
Source named in the book: emotional security and parental conflict (Cummings & Davies)
Children say this to the parent they are standing next to, and they say it in both directions.
Say this now
“You don't have to want to go. You're still going.”
Separates the feeling from the plan.
“I want you to have a good time there.”
Removes the loyalty problem in one sentence.
Do this
- Say the permission sentence early, before the door, not during the coat.
- Say something warm about the other house in an ordinary voice, once a week.
- Do not investigate at the door. Ask on Tuesday if you still want to.
- Notice if it only happens with you. That is the loyalty version.
- Keep the plan unchanged that day.
Avoid this
- "You don't have to go." Not a promise you can keep, and they will hold you to it.
- "Why not? Did something happen?" Builds a reason where there may not be one.
- "That makes me sad to hear." Now the sentence has a reward attached.
If it repeats
If it is said in both houses, it is about the transition and it settles. If it comes with a specific reason that stays the same for weeks, that is different, and the last block of this book covers what to do with it.
Why the book suggests this
Children say this to the parent they are standing next to, and they say it in both directions. Research on emotional security describes young children reading the adult in front of them and answering the question they think that adult is asking. Often the sentence is loyalty rather than preference.
That is why it lands hardest on the parent who most wants to hear it. A sentence that arrives exactly when you were hoping for it is worth weighing twice, and that is hard to do in a doorway.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Homes
45 prepared situations in this family area.