Author’s practical guidance
Refusing to go, week after week
Source named in the book: research on children in separated families (Emery)
Reluctance at the door is ordinary and settles.
Say this now
“Tell me the part that's hardest.”
Open, and it does not name a suspect.
“I'm going to sort this out with the grown-ups.”
Takes it off them without promising an outcome.
Do this
- Write down the reason given each week, in their words.
- Ask for the twenty-minute report from the other house every time.
- Keep your own tone neutral about going, even now.
- Take it to the other adult first, before anyone else.
- Do not stop the visits unilaterally.
Avoid this
- Interrogating them for a reason. They will supply one, and it may not be the true one.
- Stopping the visits yourself. Never a decision to make alone, or quickly.
- "You have to go, that's the law." Puts a four-year-old in a legal frame.
TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR IF
- The same specific reason is given for more than a month
- Distress continues after arrival, not just at the door
- They are frightened rather than reluctant
- It began suddenly after a settled period
- There is fear of one particular adult or room
Why the book suggests this
Reluctance at the door is ordinary and settles. Research on separated families draws the line elsewhere: at refusal that is specific, that gives the same reason for months and that does not shift once the child is there.
Both readings are common and look identical at the door. The difference shows up twenty minutes later, which is why this is one of the few things in this book worth tracking across weeks rather than judging in the moment.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Homes
45 prepared situations in this family area.