Author’s practical guidance
The message passed through a four-year-old
Source named in the book: research on conflict between separated parents (Emery)
Research on separated parents identifies the child as messenger as one of the arrangements that reliably does harm, and it is also one of the easiest to slide into.
Say this now
“That's for me to sort out with Dad. Not you.”
Names the boundary and who owns the task.
“You don't carry messages. You just come and go.”
A rule they can hold on to in both houses.
Do this
- Put everything practical in writing between the adults, on one channel.
- Ask nothing about the other house that you would not ask a stranger.
- If they volunteer news, receive it without following up on it.
- Tell them the rule out loud so they can refuse when the other side asks.
- Keep one channel only, not four.
Avoid this
- "Tell Daddy I need the form." Small and practical, and it starts the pattern.
- "What did Dad say about Saturday?" Makes them report on the other household.
- Sending a note in the bag for them to hand over.
If it repeats
If messages keep arriving from the other direction, say the rule to the child rather than arguing about it with the adult. A child who has been told they do not carry messages usually stops carrying them within a few weeks.
Why the book suggests this
Research on separated parents identifies the child as messenger as one of the arrangements that reliably does harm, and it is also one of the easiest to slide into. It rarely starts with anything hostile. It starts with a practical detail and a convenient child.
The cost is that they arrive at the other house carrying something, and if it is received badly, they were the one holding it. A four-year-old cannot deliver a message without also delivering the reaction back.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Homes
45 prepared situations in this family area.