Author’s practical guidance
They repeat something said about you at the other house
Source named in the book: how families handle emotion (Gottman)
They are not reporting it.
Say this now
“That must have felt strange to hear.”
Goes to their experience, not to the claim.
“Grown-ups say angry things sometimes. It isn't your problem to fix.”
Explains without arguing back.
Do this
- Handle the feeling first, and handle it fully before saying anything else.
- Do not correct the claim in that conversation.
- Ask nothing further about who said it or when.
- Raise it with the adult later, privately, without quoting the child.
- Thank them for telling you, once.
Avoid this
- "He said WHAT?" The reaction is what they will remember, not your answer.
- "Well, your father is the one who..." Now they are holding two versions and a fight.
- "Don't listen to him." Asks a four-year-old to disregard a parent.
If it repeats
If it keeps happening, take it up with the other adult directly and never through the child. Quoting a four-year-old back at a parent guarantees the child stops telling you things, which is the worst available outcome.
Why the book suggests this
They are not reporting it. They are handing you something they cannot hold, and watching what you do with it. Work on how families handle emotion describes this moment as the fork: the adult either takes the feeling seriously or takes the content personally, and the child learns which one to expect.
Almost every instinct here is wrong. Defending yourself puts them in the middle. Attacking back confirms the story. Saying nothing reads as agreement.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Homes
45 prepared situations in this family area.