Author’s practical guidance
The other parent is late, or does not come
Source named in the book: attachment and separation research (Bowlby)
Attachment research is clear that what a small child tracks is availability: whether the person turns up when they said they would.
Say this now
“He isn't here yet. We'll do something else for now.”
A fact and a next step, with no explanation.
“You were looking forward to that. It's a horrible feeling.”
Names the disappointment without naming the cause.
Do this
- Do not get them ready early. Ready and waiting is the part that hurts.
- Have a real alternative ready that you would have done anyway.
- Set a cutoff time for yourself, then move on.
- Let them be angry at him without joining in or defending.
- Tell them as soon as you know. Do not let them keep waiting.
Avoid this
- "He's probably forgotten. Again." Accurate, and it makes you the one who said it.
- Having them wait dressed by the window. Extends the worst part.
- "He must be very busy." An excuse they will test against reality.
If it repeats
Repeated no-shows are the adults' problem to resolve, and never through the child. If it becomes the pattern rather than the exception, the last block of this book covers what to watch for in the child.
Why the book suggests this
Attachment research is clear that what a small child tracks is availability: whether the person turns up when they said they would. A missed Saturday is not a scheduling problem to a four-year-old. It is information about whether people come back.
His reliability is outside your reach, and explaining it on his behalf makes it worse. What sits inside your reach is the length of the wait, and whether the child holds the disappointment alone.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Homes
45 prepared situations in this family area.