Author’s practical guidance
Clinging that does not ease with the weeks
Source named in the book: attachment and separation research (Bowlby)
A rise in clinging after a separation is expected, and attachment research would predict it: a small child who has seen one adult stop being permanently present checks harder on the ones who remain.
Say this now
“I'm going, and I'm coming back at snack time.”
Departure and return in one sentence.
“I always come back. Every time.”
The claim they are testing, said plainly.
Do this
- Always say goodbye even when leaving would be easier.
- Name the return by an event they can recognize, not by a clock.
- Practice short separations that you can guarantee going well.
- Track it monthly, not daily.
- Keep pickup times exact. Late undoes weeks.
Avoid this
- Sneaking out to avoid the scene. Confirms exactly what they are checking for.
- "You're too big for this." Shame does not reduce it.
- Never leaving them so it never gets tested.
TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR IF
- It is not reducing at all after about six months
- They cannot be left with familiar adults they used to accept
- It has spread to daycare, sleep and other adults
- They will not play out of arm's reach at home
- There is panic rather than protest at separations
Why the book suggests this
A rise in clinging after a separation is expected, and attachment research would predict it: a small child who has seen one adult stop being permanently present checks harder on the ones who remain. It should ease as the new pattern proves itself.
The direction is what matters, not the amount. Clinging that is slowly reducing over months is the system working. Clinging that is the same or growing after half a year is worth a conversation.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Homes
45 prepared situations in this family area.