Author’s practical guidance
They are a different child in each house
Source named in the book: long-term research on families after divorce (Hetherington)
Long-term research on families after divorce describes children presenting differently across households as a normal finding rather than a worrying one.
Say this now
“You're allowed to be different in different places.”
Removes the sense that one version is the fake one.
“That's useful to know. What works when it happens?”
Said to the other adult, and it is the whole technique.
Do this
- Trade one observation each, with no conclusions attached.
- Report behavior, not character — what happened, not what they are like.
- Assume both accounts are accurate rather than picking one.
- Ask what worked there before offering what works here.
- Keep it to a few minutes, not an evening.
Avoid this
- "He's never like that with me." The sentence that closes the conversation permanently.
- Assuming the harder version is the true one.
- Asking the child which house they behave better in. A question with no good answer.
If it repeats
A large gap between the two houses usually points at a difference in routine rather than in the child. If the harder version is getting harder over months rather than settling, the last block of this book covers that.
Why the book suggests this
Long-term research on families after divorce describes children presenting differently across households as a normal finding rather than a worrying one. Different adults pull different behavior, which was true before the separation and is only now visible because the two settings are separate.
It becomes information worth having only when the two reports are compared, and comparing them requires two adults who can talk about a child without either one hearing an accusation. That is the hard part, not the difference itself.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Homes
45 prepared situations in this family area.