Author’s practical guidance
Fear of making mistakes
Some children stop trying things they cannot already do.
Say this now
“You tried the hard one.”
Praise the choice to attempt, which is the behavior you want repeated.
“I get it wrong too. Watch.”
Then actually get something wrong in front of them, and carry on cheerfully.
Do this
- Praise the process out loud and stop praising the ability.
- Leave your own mistakes visible. Do not tidy them away before they see.
- Offer things slightly too hard when nothing is at stake — a rainy Sunday, not before daycare.
- Never correct a finished piece unless they ask.
- Let them see something take you three attempts.
Avoid this
- "You're so clever!" — makes cleverness the thing at stake next time.
- Fixing their work while they watch — shows them the standard is yours, not theirs.
- "Don't worry, it doesn't matter." — it matters to them; saying otherwise ends the conversation.
If it repeats
Caution about mistakes shows up around three and peaks near four, when children first start comparing themselves with others. It softens with practice at low stakes, and it hardens with an audience — expect more of it in a group than at home.
Why the book suggests this
Some children stop trying things they cannot already do. They abandon the drawing halfway, refuse the puzzle, say "you do it" about tasks they managed last week. It looks like laziness and it is the opposite: it is caution about being seen failing.
The research on praise is unusually clear here. Children praised for being clever or good at something take fewer risks afterwards than children praised for what they actually did. Being told you are good at things creates something to lose.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
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Same Words: Big Skills
45 prepared situations in this family area.