Author’s practical guidance
Keeping a promise they made
"I'll put them away after, I promise." The promise is sincere at the moment it is made and it is made by a child who cannot yet picture themselves in twenty minutes.
Say this now
“That's a big one. Promise me the blocks, not the whole room.”
Shrink it at the moment it is offered, before it fails.
“You said you would, and you did.”
Say it out loud when it works. The kept ones need naming more than the broken ones.
Do this
- Cut the promise down when it is being made, not when it is being broken.
- Keep the window short. After dinner is a different lifetime from after this.
- Keep your own visibly, including the small ones nobody would notice.
- Say out loud when you fail one and what you are doing about it.
- Don't collect broken promises to produce as evidence later.
Avoid this
- "You promised!" — true, and it produces shame rather than the toys being put away.
- Accepting a promise you already know is too big.
- Reminding them of the promise three times before it is due.
If it repeats
At three a promise reliably survives a few minutes and rarely an hour. By four or five, short ones with a visible end are kept most of the time. What predicts it best is not age but whether promises around them are generally kept.
Why the book suggests this
"I'll put them away after, I promise." The promise is sincere at the moment it is made and it is made by a child who cannot yet picture themselves in twenty minutes. Nothing dishonest has happened. The person who promised and the person who has to deliver barely feel like the same person.
Which is why the useful work is on the size of the promise rather than on the character of the child. A promise a child can keep teaches something. A promise they cannot keep teaches that promises are words you say to end a conversation.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Big Skills
45 prepared situations in this family area.