Author’s practical guidance
Held still for something that genuinely has to happen
Source named in the book: adaptability as a temperament dimension (Chess & Thomas)
Occasionally there is no version of this where the child agrees: a splinter, a car seat, a hand pulled back from a road.
Say this now
“You didn't want that, and I did it anyway. I'm sorry it was horrible.”
Name the override and the feeling. That keeps the rule.
“Only for safety, and only the grown-ups who look after you.”
Re-state the limit of the exception right after using it.
Do this
- Do it fast and quietly. Commentary helps nobody.
- Use the smallest hold that works, and let go the second it is done.
- Give the recovery time they need, not the time you have. Some children need twenty minutes.
- Say the exception out loud after, every single time, so it stays narrow.
- Take the blame off them explicitly: "That was my call, not something you did."
Avoid this
- "You made me do that." Hands them the responsibility for your decision.
- Pretending it did not happen and moving straight to lunch.
- "See, that wasn't so bad." Overwrites what they just felt with what you hope they felt.
If it repeats
If you are holding a child down often, something upstream needs changing — the timing, the setting, the warning they get. Frequent overriding wears down the rule the rest of this book is building.
Why the book suggests this
Occasionally there is no version of this where the child agrees: a splinter, a car seat, a hand pulled back from a road. You are going to override them, and there is nothing wrong with that. What helps afterwards is saying so rather than skating past it.
Children differ in how long they need to come back from it. A slow-to-adapt child is not being dramatic twenty minutes later. The work is in what you say once it is over, which is the part most adults skip because they are relieved.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Their Own Body
45 prepared situations in this family area.