Author’s practical guidance
The rules about doors are different at their cousin's house
Source named in the book: RIE (Gerber)
Families run bodies differently.
Say this now
“Different houses, different rules. These two are ours everywhere.”
Then name the two. Two travel; six do not.
“You can always say no, wherever you are.”
The one rule that is not a house rule. These words.
Do this
- Pick two portable rules and keep them identical in every house and every year.
- Explain differences without ranking them. "Their house is like this" is a complete sentence.
- Send the two rules ahead in a message, so nobody is corrected in their own kitchen.
- Ask afterwards, openly. Not as an audit.
- Hold your two rules absolutely, including against relatives you do not want to offend.
Avoid this
- "We don't do that in our family." Turns a house difference into a judgment they will repeat out loud.
- Renegotiating your rules at somebody else's kitchen table.
- Saying nothing and hoping they work it out from context.
If it repeats
If a household will not respect the two rules you chose, that is a conversation with the adults rather than a lesson for the child. Keep the portable list short enough to hold everywhere.
Why the book suggests this
Families run bodies differently. In one house nobody is naked past the bathroom door, in another the door is never shut, and a child who spends weekends in both is not confused about morals — they are confused about which building they are in.
The care approach this book keeps returning to would say the child is not the one who has to solve this. Adults set the terms of a house. What the child needs is the smallest possible number of rules that travel with them and hold everywhere.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Their Own Body
45 prepared situations in this family area.