Author’s practical guidance
Another child hugs yours, and yours does not want it
Source named in the book: peer relationships in early childhood (Rubin)
This book spends many pages on your child not doing things to other people.
Say this now
“She doesn't want a hug. Let's find something to play with.”
Warm, and aimed at the other child, not their parent.
“You can say 'no thank you' and I'll back you up.”
Said in front of everyone. The backing is what lands.
Do this
- Step in the moment your child freezes, before they have to endure it.
- Speak to the other child directly, cheerfully, and give them somewhere to go next.
- Keep the other parent out of it. Say nothing to them.
- Put yourself physically alongside rather than pulling your child away by the arm.
- Say afterwards that they were right to not want it. Otherwise they will assume they were.
Avoid this
- "Oh, she's just being friendly." Reasons your own child out of the refusal they just made.
- Waiting for the other parent to notice and handle it.
- "Don't be rude, she likes you." Politeness beating their body again, in front of witnesses.
If it repeats
If your child freezes rather than speaking, the sentence is not available yet. Rehearse at home and keep stepping in until it is. Where one child is overwhelming, arrange smaller and shorter visits.
Why the book suggests this
This book spends many pages on your child not doing things to other people. The other half arrives at a party: somebody else's cheerful three-year-old attaches themselves to yours, and yours goes rigid and looks at you.
The difficulty is entirely adult. The other child is being friendly, their parent is standing right there, and stepping in feels like an accusation. But a rule your child has only ever heard aimed at themselves is not yet a rule they can use.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Their Own Body
45 prepared situations in this family area.