Author’s practical guidance
An unfamiliar adult asks them for help
Source named in the book: behavioral inhibition with unfamiliar people (Kagan)
Children this age freeze in front of unfamiliar adults far more often than they run, and how long that freeze lasts varies enormously between children.
Say this now
“Grown-ups ask grown-ups for help, not kids. Come and get me.”
Fact and action in one line. Keep the wording fixed.
“You never have to talk to someone if you don't want to.”
Removes politeness as the thing that overrides them.
Do this
- Say the rule about requests, not about categories of people.
- Let them stay quiet with adults at the door, and answer for them without apology.
- Rehearse the two words: "no" and "Mom!" — loudly, as a game.
- Point out the badge-wearers in places you visit, so the category is familiar.
- Do not make them hug or perform for anybody, including people you like.
Avoid this
- "Some people are bad." Unusable, since nobody looks it, and it frightens without instructing.
- "Be polite to grown-ups" with no exception attached to it.
- Making them greet or answer adults they have gone quiet with.
If it repeats
If your child freezes with every unfamiliar adult, work on the confidence rather than the caution. Practice ordering their own food in places where it is entirely safe to get it wrong.
Why the book suggests this
Children this age freeze in front of unfamiliar adults far more often than they run, and how long that freeze lasts varies enormously between children. A shy child is not safer here — they are simply less likely to do anything at all.
Which is why the rule cannot rely on the child noticing that something is wrong. It relies on one flat fact instead: grown-ups ask other grown-ups for help. A request aimed at a small child is the thing that does not fit, whoever is making it.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Their Own Body
45 prepared situations in this family area.