Author’s practical guidance
They cry when the other parent arrives to collect them
Source named in the book: research on young children and contact with both parents (Kelly & Lamb)
Crying at the point of transfer is not a verdict on where they are going.
Say this now
“It's hard to swap houses. You're still going.”
Names it and does not reopen the plan.
“I'll be right here on Sunday.”
What they are checking is whether you stay put.
Do this
- Hand them over while they are crying rather than waiting for a calm that will not come.
- Ask him for one text if he will. If not, assume they settled.
- Keep your face steady — they are reading it for permission to be upset.
- Put the same object in the bag each time, so something travels with them.
- Debrief with an adult, never with the child.
Avoid this
- "You don't have to go if you don't want to." Offers a choice that is not yours to offer.
- Holding on longer because they are crying. Extends exactly the part that hurts.
- "See how upset he gets?" said over their head, which makes the crying useful.
If it repeats
Ask for the twenty-minute text for a month and keep the replies. Most parents find the same pattern: distress at the door, settled before the end of the journey. That record is what stops you acting on the half you can see.
Why the book suggests this
Crying at the point of transfer is not a verdict on where they are going. Research on young children in two households treats protest at the switch as ordinary: a small child objects to the change itself, and would object just as loudly in the other direction.
The hard part is that you are watching it and he is not, so you have the whole picture of the distress and none of the picture of the recovery, which usually happens within minutes of the car pulling away.
Related prepared situations
What happened next?
From this collection
Same Words: Two Homes
45 prepared situations in this family area.